I have a 96 year old aunt and uncle who have been together since they were 12 years old. I recently asked my aunt "how they did it?" and she replied: "you learn to 'let it go'". I interpreted this as not having to always win or be right, but losing the battle in order to win the war of peace and longevity in a relationship. And this rule of thumb can apply to children, parents, siblings, friends, etc. etc.
Obvioulsy the winning is not as important as the relationship continuing.
Now 'letting go" is a very different kind of story. This one truly evokes changing our belief system. Most of us got married believing that a spouse is there to fulfill our every need. Guess what? He or she is simply not able to do that. We have to challenge the belief system that says anyone--- partner, child, friend--- should behave in a certain way. I had a gay friend Bob who would sit in a chair by my bed when I was ill and we would talk for hours. Barry would pop his head in from time to time to see if I wanted anything, but it was Bob who was serving as my 'hand holder'. Barry, who was the greatest gift of my life,was simply not the type to do that---but how I wish he were around today to simply 'pop his head in'.
But "letting go" is a whole lot more than that. As we get older so do our children and grandchildren. They develop into real adults with real lives. Most of us I'm sure are proud of all their accomplishments, but truth be told,sometimes we wish they were a little different. Maybe if they wore their hair another way (I always wanted to push my teenaged grandson's hair a little bit away so that it wasn't in his eyes!), or maybe if they were a little thinnier or athletic or whatever. But guess what? It is out of our control---we have to "let go" We can no longer 'fix it like we did when they were maybe two. Everyone is now on their own. And if we 'let go' and just let them live they will probably like us a whole lot better and we can really feel a whole lot better as well. This does not mean we disappear or stop caring or listening---indeed we will always be first to arrive at a hospital, and we will always want to hold our child, no matter what age, if they have been hurt in any way.
But by 'letting go' we liberate ourselves. Now we can feel unburdened and concentrate on our bills, our painting or whatever it is we have to and we love to do. After all I've always heard that the best kind of parenting is by example.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
HOLIDAYS!
Well we just all traveled through Memorial Day weekend. How'd it go? Was it another day in Paradise...or was it 'hell on wheels'??? Somehow Holiday weekends always enlighten.
We may spend them with family and find out how great everyone has turned out to be, or how horrifying they all seem to be. Some wish it could go on forever and others cannot wait to get back to their own private spaace. If you feel the latter, you are not alone...family gatherings can be dreadful (even when it's barbeque time--not as bad as Thanksgiving though...and Christmas--ughhh).
Or we may choose to spend them with friends and prepare for the proverbial "ball". But even then, sometimes it's even more fun, and sometimes it's a very disappointing time.
In either situation some get drunk and make us laugh, others get drunk and can be absolutely nasty and make us feel like 'shit'.
Finally we may choose to spend the Holiday weekend alone. Again for some this is a joy. (I myself used the actual Memorial day to have the car washed; bathe the four dogs and shop at Home Depot and Target for all the things I found missimg on Saturday when everyone was there) Loners also can get to catch up on their reading; enjoy the parade on TV; answer a bunch of emails, or just take a good nap. But some may sit and wonder why they are alone on a Holiday weekend. Again one might ask: "Is it me?"
The question is a very powerful one. If you want an answer it requires tremendous honesty. We all tend to blame everyone else for what isn't going well. (These gatherings can be tremendous gossip sessions), but what we want to examine is what was our role in creating that which was created. Did we provide the smiles or were we responsible for the misery. Could it be possible we were controlling about the whole event?? Could it be possible we complained all day? Did we become too outragous and argumentative because of a beer or two? Or--this is important--were our expectaions simply disappointed, which brings us to what is often the 'root of all evil'....Disappointed Expectations.
Maybe we wanted to see unreasonable expectations met and when they were'nt we became 'let down'. I guess it makes sense to just take our families and friends for being just that--"family" and "friends". As such sometimes they make us feel terrific and sometimes they make us feel 'lousy'. If we come to these occasions expecting nothing more than what they are, we might not feel a real 'high' but neither will we come out feeling really upset.
I truly hope that the experience was great for all of you, but if it wasn't just think about some of the things I suggested above and look forward to a dirrernt kind of fireworks on July 4th!
But we can always look at the positives---it's a good time to examine oneself and find out why and where discomfort comes from. We can actually ask: "Is it me?"
We may spend them with family and find out how great everyone has turned out to be, or how horrifying they all seem to be. Some wish it could go on forever and others cannot wait to get back to their own private spaace. If you feel the latter, you are not alone...family gatherings can be dreadful (even when it's barbeque time--not as bad as Thanksgiving though...and Christmas--ughhh).
Or we may choose to spend them with friends and prepare for the proverbial "ball". But even then, sometimes it's even more fun, and sometimes it's a very disappointing time.
In either situation some get drunk and make us laugh, others get drunk and can be absolutely nasty and make us feel like 'shit'.
Finally we may choose to spend the Holiday weekend alone. Again for some this is a joy. (I myself used the actual Memorial day to have the car washed; bathe the four dogs and shop at Home Depot and Target for all the things I found missimg on Saturday when everyone was there) Loners also can get to catch up on their reading; enjoy the parade on TV; answer a bunch of emails, or just take a good nap. But some may sit and wonder why they are alone on a Holiday weekend. Again one might ask: "Is it me?"
The question is a very powerful one. If you want an answer it requires tremendous honesty. We all tend to blame everyone else for what isn't going well. (These gatherings can be tremendous gossip sessions), but what we want to examine is what was our role in creating that which was created. Did we provide the smiles or were we responsible for the misery. Could it be possible we were controlling about the whole event?? Could it be possible we complained all day? Did we become too outragous and argumentative because of a beer or two? Or--this is important--were our expectaions simply disappointed, which brings us to what is often the 'root of all evil'....Disappointed Expectations.
Maybe we wanted to see unreasonable expectations met and when they were'nt we became 'let down'. I guess it makes sense to just take our families and friends for being just that--"family" and "friends". As such sometimes they make us feel terrific and sometimes they make us feel 'lousy'. If we come to these occasions expecting nothing more than what they are, we might not feel a real 'high' but neither will we come out feeling really upset.
I truly hope that the experience was great for all of you, but if it wasn't just think about some of the things I suggested above and look forward to a dirrernt kind of fireworks on July 4th!
But we can always look at the positives---it's a good time to examine oneself and find out why and where discomfort comes from. We can actually ask: "Is it me?"
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The Art of Being Alone
My last installment spoke of loneliness, however there is a distinction between loneliness and choosing to live alone. One case I know quite well looks at being alone as liberating. No more reliance on another person...taking a delight in doing things for yourself. Choosing the programs or the books that you can look forward to enjoying each day or night.
But having a confidante is the most important ingredient for anyone who chooses to be alone. Even for those who are not alone. A confidante may not be a spouse or a sibling but a wonderful friend who is there to listen to you. One to whom you report when you've returned from doing something special.
Alone is making a choice to either keep busy by making dates for lunch or dinner, or enjoy cuddled on your couch perhaps with your pet. Or you may choose to be on the computer. There is really so much offered other than emailing. You can do a blog, as I am, or you can read whatever newspaper you choose, or investigate any topic you may want. Or you can do what I just did to make yourself feel terrific.
I took a short little drive with my four pups from Hollywood Florida to just outside Albany, New York where my lake house is located. I stopped in NYC for three days and caught up with my wonderful friends which was like getting an adrenaline shot, and then did indeed take a short trip up to the lake. Not only did it make me feel proud of the accomplishment, but I had some real revelations or epiphanies while driving and listening to CD's that for some reason I never have time for in Florida. I heard the Bee Gees, Airsupply and Elvis among others, and I made sure I had the show Les Miserables in my possession by the time I left New York.
Somehow the phrase by the Bee Gees "How can you mend a broken heart?" really got to me. I realized that I had truly suffered a broken heart when my husband of thirty years died at 52. Unfortunately I did not want to deal with those feelings enough at that time...I just desperately wanted someone to 'stitch my heart up'. Now I am feeling the grief as I have never felt it before. I spoke of Barry and still do everyday of my life, but now I am feeling him in a new way. This should have happened years ago because grieving is what allows you to 'move on'. If you do not do it, it tugs at you until you do.
So I am 'doing', but at the same time I am truly enjoying being 'on my own'. Hopefully what I have just said may impact some of you and help you along...that after all is my purpose in writing this. By the way my number at the lakehouse is 518 674-8505 and if you need to talk just call. If you don't reach me at the Lake call my cellphone 917 846-2449---I'll probably be out grocery shopping, but I can still talk even while picking out lettuce!
Dr. Mimi Scott
But having a confidante is the most important ingredient for anyone who chooses to be alone. Even for those who are not alone. A confidante may not be a spouse or a sibling but a wonderful friend who is there to listen to you. One to whom you report when you've returned from doing something special.
Alone is making a choice to either keep busy by making dates for lunch or dinner, or enjoy cuddled on your couch perhaps with your pet. Or you may choose to be on the computer. There is really so much offered other than emailing. You can do a blog, as I am, or you can read whatever newspaper you choose, or investigate any topic you may want. Or you can do what I just did to make yourself feel terrific.
I took a short little drive with my four pups from Hollywood Florida to just outside Albany, New York where my lake house is located. I stopped in NYC for three days and caught up with my wonderful friends which was like getting an adrenaline shot, and then did indeed take a short trip up to the lake. Not only did it make me feel proud of the accomplishment, but I had some real revelations or epiphanies while driving and listening to CD's that for some reason I never have time for in Florida. I heard the Bee Gees, Airsupply and Elvis among others, and I made sure I had the show Les Miserables in my possession by the time I left New York.
Somehow the phrase by the Bee Gees "How can you mend a broken heart?" really got to me. I realized that I had truly suffered a broken heart when my husband of thirty years died at 52. Unfortunately I did not want to deal with those feelings enough at that time...I just desperately wanted someone to 'stitch my heart up'. Now I am feeling the grief as I have never felt it before. I spoke of Barry and still do everyday of my life, but now I am feeling him in a new way. This should have happened years ago because grieving is what allows you to 'move on'. If you do not do it, it tugs at you until you do.
So I am 'doing', but at the same time I am truly enjoying being 'on my own'. Hopefully what I have just said may impact some of you and help you along...that after all is my purpose in writing this. By the way my number at the lakehouse is 518 674-8505 and if you need to talk just call. If you don't reach me at the Lake call my cellphone 917 846-2449---I'll probably be out grocery shopping, but I can still talk even while picking out lettuce!
Dr. Mimi Scott
Sunday, May 10, 2009
LET'S DEAL WITH LONELINESS
I guess this is for all the wonderful people reading who on occasion get lonely....it's ok...indeed there are many people out there who are surrounded in their homes by family who also get lonely. It is not great to feel that way, but sometimes we have to just soak ourselves in the loneliness for a bit, and then wash it off and get up and get going.
When is the last time you went through your closet? Or your drawers? Or even your kitchen cabinets? How about getting rid of all the stuff you don't use (along with the pounds you've no doubt lost) and donating it to those who could use it?
How about going outside now and walking the pet you no doubt have acquired, and if you haven't, go outside anyway and take a walk. Walk and notice...notice the trees and the leaves and the birds and the sky and the colors all around you (hope they're not all blue---we don't want to think blue), and if no one is nearby try singing to yourself (doesn't matter if you don't have a voice---you have a soul and it needs nourishment). When you get home from your walk try putting on some music and dance to it---yes I said dance! When is the last time you tired yourself out dancing? Nothing like swinging those hips and arms to feel alive. Now catch your breath and sit down...get a glass of tea (cold or hot doesn't matter) and relax.
Next take time for that healthy snack followed by your favorite TV program. Try not to make it the news--that always adds to depression. Hey, how about the beach now, or a good movie, or if you're lucky enough be in NYC--a show!! Every Easter Sunday I would go to a show myself and come out feeling totally renewed. At any rate this is also a good time to call whomever and schedule whatever, so you have a date to look forward to. It's important to stay in touch with friends--when one is single they become particularly important. And try to groom one or two that will always be available to you---very important to have a confidante that will answer the phone.
Another thing I have to mention is that you can always go out to dinner, lunch or whatever BY YOURSELF (or with the pet). All over larger cities people are out eating alone and reading a newspaper or book---if you don't live in one, start a new fad in your town! When you return you will feel like you can began your evening routine of TV or whatever, before bedding down.
You have now proven that you don't NEED someone to be with to enjoy your day. You have enjoyed it by enjoying you! By the way--you CAN talk to yourself if you wish. I give you permission. It's great to have conversations with one's self. And I suggest that you tell yourself how proud you are of yourself for changing your life so that you are now in charge of it! If you have a moment to slip into soft feelings regarding the past---take it and then remind yourself why you left your past situation..think about the worst moments---then congratulate yourself on making the change!!
Of course, many people are not alone of their own choosing. I found myself alone at 50 when my husband of thirty years died of a rare form of bone cancer at 52.
My kids were married with kids and my mother passed away just two months later. I was ALONE and yes there was immense loneliness. A lot of the above was what I did in order to fight off the loneliness---but ALONE--and choosing that for yourself is a whole other discussion which we'll deal with in the next session.
Remember you can email or call me if you want cauz I'm here for you---especially when you get 'down' for whatever reason...I'll be traveling up north this week from Florida and may not be as accessible as usual---but I should be reestablished in my lake home by next week this time, where I'll take time to offer you another session. By the way I'm waiting to hear your thoughts on topics you'd like me to address. Thanks for reading.
Dr. Mimi Scott
917 846-2449
Visit me at: www.drmimiscott.com
When is the last time you went through your closet? Or your drawers? Or even your kitchen cabinets? How about getting rid of all the stuff you don't use (along with the pounds you've no doubt lost) and donating it to those who could use it?
How about going outside now and walking the pet you no doubt have acquired, and if you haven't, go outside anyway and take a walk. Walk and notice...notice the trees and the leaves and the birds and the sky and the colors all around you (hope they're not all blue---we don't want to think blue), and if no one is nearby try singing to yourself (doesn't matter if you don't have a voice---you have a soul and it needs nourishment). When you get home from your walk try putting on some music and dance to it---yes I said dance! When is the last time you tired yourself out dancing? Nothing like swinging those hips and arms to feel alive. Now catch your breath and sit down...get a glass of tea (cold or hot doesn't matter) and relax.
Next take time for that healthy snack followed by your favorite TV program. Try not to make it the news--that always adds to depression. Hey, how about the beach now, or a good movie, or if you're lucky enough be in NYC--a show!! Every Easter Sunday I would go to a show myself and come out feeling totally renewed. At any rate this is also a good time to call whomever and schedule whatever, so you have a date to look forward to. It's important to stay in touch with friends--when one is single they become particularly important. And try to groom one or two that will always be available to you---very important to have a confidante that will answer the phone.
Another thing I have to mention is that you can always go out to dinner, lunch or whatever BY YOURSELF (or with the pet). All over larger cities people are out eating alone and reading a newspaper or book---if you don't live in one, start a new fad in your town! When you return you will feel like you can began your evening routine of TV or whatever, before bedding down.
You have now proven that you don't NEED someone to be with to enjoy your day. You have enjoyed it by enjoying you! By the way--you CAN talk to yourself if you wish. I give you permission. It's great to have conversations with one's self. And I suggest that you tell yourself how proud you are of yourself for changing your life so that you are now in charge of it! If you have a moment to slip into soft feelings regarding the past---take it and then remind yourself why you left your past situation..think about the worst moments---then congratulate yourself on making the change!!
Of course, many people are not alone of their own choosing. I found myself alone at 50 when my husband of thirty years died of a rare form of bone cancer at 52.
My kids were married with kids and my mother passed away just two months later. I was ALONE and yes there was immense loneliness. A lot of the above was what I did in order to fight off the loneliness---but ALONE--and choosing that for yourself is a whole other discussion which we'll deal with in the next session.
Remember you can email or call me if you want cauz I'm here for you---especially when you get 'down' for whatever reason...I'll be traveling up north this week from Florida and may not be as accessible as usual---but I should be reestablished in my lake home by next week this time, where I'll take time to offer you another session. By the way I'm waiting to hear your thoughts on topics you'd like me to address. Thanks for reading.
Dr. Mimi Scott
917 846-2449
Visit me at: www.drmimiscott.com
Monday, May 4, 2009
Now Take Care of Yourself!
The break up is over, you've cleaned and redecorated the house/apartment, now you're on your own and it's all about you! What a great time to get yourself in shape. And I don't only mean physically. However, once the physical's achieved the emotional fitness is sure to follow. Nothing gives more joy and pride than getting yourself in shape...you wind up with a great new confidence level. This I know from personal experience...I just lost 240 pounds! 40 of my own and 200 of his! And I feel great.
It starts with nutrition which cannot begin unless you are really ready to commit. I was ready when I couldn't breathe when bending down to get a shoe on. It was my New Year's pledge and I've truly lost 40 pounds since Jan. 1st. I cut out wheat---haven't eaten bread, pasta, rice, etc. since that date. I focused on protein, salad, vegetables, and fruit. Also--roasted almonds are on my counter at all times. I drink water, especially with crushed ice since that fulfills the need to chew. I take Hoodia and an Acai Berry pill everyday around 3:00pm---keeps the energy up. But most importantly--I keep moving!
I begin each morning with an excercise routine I've been doing for years. It's really a combination of Pilates and other stretching exercises, but it takes about 20 minutes and it loosens me up for the day. This is followed by walking my dogs around the park for approximately a mile. I then go into the gym that is in my building and work three different machines over a ten minute period (the stair, the treadmill and the bike). I follow this with 10 more minutes of weight lifting machines and 50 sit-ups. A quick change once back in my apartment into a bathing suit, and I'm into the pool for 20 laps across. When done I allow myself 20 minutes in the sun which I read was actually healthy and as a result have the best tan ever---even a dermatologist complimented me.
The important thing about all this is the fact that nothing intimidates. I only do a few minutes of machines, but I do three of them. The same with the weights and the weight lifting machines. I set them on numbers that I can manage---not on numbers that will defeat me. Finally, when I began the swimming I could barely get through 2 laps. But I added a few more each day and now I'm ready to increase the 20 laps. When we set realistic goals for ourselves we are more likely to succeed than if we try for too much too fast.
As a result of all the activity any ailments that were hanging around are gone and my energy level is back to the "me" I was before having breast cancer with complications and allowing a weight gain. As a result of all this working out my body doesn't hang from weight loss, or look bony from malnutrition. Best of all I'm no longer getting ready for bed at 7:00pm. I'm at the computer with all kinds of writing and stuff so that I don't get into bed too early and make multiple trips to the refrigerator at night. I'm typing this at 10:30pm and I have only a glass of water with ice by me.
I relayed all this to all of you so that maybe some ONE person out there becomes motivated to do the same. GET RID OF ALL THE TOXINS IN YOUR BODY AND IN YOUR LIFE. Be patient with yourself--don't let some relaxation or cheating get you down---just get right back 'on the wagon'. What you are doing is not a 'diet' it is a change of lifestyle. And once you don't feel 'weighed' down by excess, you are ready to have fun again---maybe with a new mate, maybe with your very wonderful friends, or maybe just with your 'lil ol self'!
And guys and gals, I'm having trouble finding the comments that so many of you have told me you've written. Be sure and sign your names because I guess they won't print comments that are made anonymously. Tune in next week same time for another session.
Mimi Scott, Ph.d
954 926-0133
917 846-2449
visit me at:www.drmimiscott.com
It starts with nutrition which cannot begin unless you are really ready to commit. I was ready when I couldn't breathe when bending down to get a shoe on. It was my New Year's pledge and I've truly lost 40 pounds since Jan. 1st. I cut out wheat---haven't eaten bread, pasta, rice, etc. since that date. I focused on protein, salad, vegetables, and fruit. Also--roasted almonds are on my counter at all times. I drink water, especially with crushed ice since that fulfills the need to chew. I take Hoodia and an Acai Berry pill everyday around 3:00pm---keeps the energy up. But most importantly--I keep moving!
I begin each morning with an excercise routine I've been doing for years. It's really a combination of Pilates and other stretching exercises, but it takes about 20 minutes and it loosens me up for the day. This is followed by walking my dogs around the park for approximately a mile. I then go into the gym that is in my building and work three different machines over a ten minute period (the stair, the treadmill and the bike). I follow this with 10 more minutes of weight lifting machines and 50 sit-ups. A quick change once back in my apartment into a bathing suit, and I'm into the pool for 20 laps across. When done I allow myself 20 minutes in the sun which I read was actually healthy and as a result have the best tan ever---even a dermatologist complimented me.
The important thing about all this is the fact that nothing intimidates. I only do a few minutes of machines, but I do three of them. The same with the weights and the weight lifting machines. I set them on numbers that I can manage---not on numbers that will defeat me. Finally, when I began the swimming I could barely get through 2 laps. But I added a few more each day and now I'm ready to increase the 20 laps. When we set realistic goals for ourselves we are more likely to succeed than if we try for too much too fast.
As a result of all the activity any ailments that were hanging around are gone and my energy level is back to the "me" I was before having breast cancer with complications and allowing a weight gain. As a result of all this working out my body doesn't hang from weight loss, or look bony from malnutrition. Best of all I'm no longer getting ready for bed at 7:00pm. I'm at the computer with all kinds of writing and stuff so that I don't get into bed too early and make multiple trips to the refrigerator at night. I'm typing this at 10:30pm and I have only a glass of water with ice by me.
I relayed all this to all of you so that maybe some ONE person out there becomes motivated to do the same. GET RID OF ALL THE TOXINS IN YOUR BODY AND IN YOUR LIFE. Be patient with yourself--don't let some relaxation or cheating get you down---just get right back 'on the wagon'. What you are doing is not a 'diet' it is a change of lifestyle. And once you don't feel 'weighed' down by excess, you are ready to have fun again---maybe with a new mate, maybe with your very wonderful friends, or maybe just with your 'lil ol self'!
And guys and gals, I'm having trouble finding the comments that so many of you have told me you've written. Be sure and sign your names because I guess they won't print comments that are made anonymously. Tune in next week same time for another session.
Mimi Scott, Ph.d
954 926-0133
917 846-2449
visit me at:www.drmimiscott.com
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