Now...How do we survive this breakup??

Ok, so you get through the big departure and you pledge not to slide back into 'the old shoe'.

How do you make sure that you can accomplish this? Well, here are some ideas. As I said last week, remove any reminders that may be in your home---all pictures of the good times, a gift that was given when things were good, etc. Then do something a little different with the room(s) you and and your 'roomate' spent time in together. Just changing furniture around can somehow make a difference.

Then what to do??? If you don't already have one--get a pet. A pet provides someone to come home to and also someone that keeps you busy if for no other reason then by having to walk him or her. In addition, you constantly meet and talk to people when you are out with your pet, and if you make the pet understand from the beginning that you have things to do away from home and you leave out water, food, and turn on TV, your pet will be absolutely fine. I firmly believe that pets were put on this earth to take care of us humans.

With that understood, you begin to make plans with family and friends as much as you can. Catch up with people you haven't had time for. Indeed have people over..again this gives you something to do in order to keep you distracted from thoughts of "you know who".

In regard to this, try not to inquire about him/her and try to keep the name out of conversations with anyone, including yourself.

Speaking of yourself, are there any things you've put off doing due to a lack of inspiration? Now's a good time to try it. I'm talking about things like writing, photographing, painting, dance lessoning, tinkering, geneology, sports following and playing, car racing,.... and the list goes on.

By the way, writing is a wonderful way to get things resolved in your mind. Think about what you want from life and what may have led you in the wrong direction (only momentarily since now's the time to 'begin again').

Yes, you may want to keep your eyes and ears open for a new love, but remember "a watched pot doesn't boil", so don't make thinking about that your priority. Just 'put it out there' and let the universe take care of the rest.

Most importantly do not berate yourself for having made the mistake of spending time with this person whom you eventually knew was wrong for you. That time spent was just a 'bump in the road' of life...now go on and enjoy yourself!!

Hope this session was helpful. Let me know if there are any subjects you would like me to address and I'll do my best to accomodate.

Dr. Mimi Scott

visit me at: www.drmimiscott.com

"Breaking up is Hard to Do"

Wouldn't it be wonderful if all committed relationships stayed that way...well let's talk some reality---

How and when do we end a relationship and how do we know we are right in doing so?? And more importantly how do we survive a break up?

Actually ending a relationship whether it was short term or long term takes a great deal of courage. However when the pain becomes so much greater than the pleasure (if there is any left at all) we usually realize that we're in a 'bad situation' and hopefully that we must exit which is not easy.

When there is moderate pain and significant pleasure in a relationship we first must give 'help' a chance and then pledge to really work on it. When the pain however becomes so great we must know to 'get out'. And I'm not talking only about physical abuse--mental and emotional abuse can be just as painful, perhaps worse. So how do we get ourselves out from under?

First have a plan. Know where you are going or if you are staying and feel that your partner will not easily leave, have someone around to help you take your stand and if possible outline for your partner what and where he or she can do and go. Call the partner's family in some cases to advise them of the situation---if the severity is such that you need to call family or
friends to help you accomplish the task, be sure and do so.

Try to reach comfortable decisions regarding finances, but if the reaction is ugly---give it up (unless we are talking 'big time' money in which case have legal counsel ready). The pride taken when we 'get out there' and do whatever we have to do to take care of ourselves, is and will be, amazing. Tune up your skills at what may be coming to you from this 'stimulus package' or anywhere else as well.

When the 'deed is done' and you can take a deep breath, clean up yourself and your space, unless you're the one moving into a new space, and enjoy some redecorating. The important thing is to get comfortable and to rid yourself of anything around that makes you feel bad.

Next make your second plan and that is to 'keep busy'. If time was spent with your ex in the morning, afternoon or the evening, make plans to have something to do during these hours...
watch some new TV programs; work at the computer; write; paint; sing, or make dates---not necessarily with the opposite sex. Begin to enjoy your girlfriends or guy friends...and enjoy your self---this may take some reading, listening to music, meditating and praying...just 'put it out there' no matter what way you do it.

Know this---now pay close attention---you will, I said will, slip. First realize that it would be inhuman to end a relationship and simply 'walk away'. You have to have some feelings about it and it is OK to cry--but not for long.

What isn't OK is when you begin to think that maybe you acted too quickly; maybe you left something good; maybe the guy or gal you had your eye on next wasn't exactly as exciting as you had hoped. At that point in time, when the tears and howls come, realize that you are in pain, because, after all, you just had surgery. You have just had a 'tumor' removed from your body that was destroying your health and well being. Pain is natural after surgery and it may take a while to heal, but think how wonderfully healthy you will be when you do indeed get back on your feet. After all, you now will be able to get back that good energy instead of that 'sick' kind of feeling that keeps your energy in the toilet.

AA members have sponsors to call when they feel they are about to 'slip'. Make sure you have a relative or a friend that can serve you in this way, provided they were 'with you' regarding the need for this 'break up'. Tell them at the time of the break up to 'be prepared' because you are most likely going to need their support when you will be feeling youself 'slip' into regret.
Always keep a picture in your mind of the worst moment in your relationship with that person. Think about that anytime those regret feelings begin to 'show up'---kick em out!

Now you can do some of those things you've talked about not having the 'time' to do. Remember however---no comprimises regarding that tumor--no lunches once a week, a movie, a walk etc. You don't want any part of the tumor left in your body---GET IT ALL OUT---and MOVE ON!

I hope this session helped and I wish you only the best! You deserve it!

Dr. Mimi Scott