Dysfunction or Disappointed Expectations?

I used to joke that I'd like to do a group for 'functional' families, but didn't think there would be any family around left to participate. 'Dysfunctional' got to be the norm---whose family isn't? But what constitutes dysfunction? My understanding is that a person becomes dysfunctional when he or she is no longer able to 'function'-- specifically in a job or in a relationship. Something has become such an addiction (ie: alcohol) that one's job or one's all important relationship is in jeopardy. But addictions are not only alcohol, drugs, etc. An addiction can also be to what is known as 'disappointed expectations' or DA.

How often throughout a day are we 'let down'? Well if we suffer from an addiction to DA that can be pretty frequent. How many of us have almost died when it looks like our 'hard drive' may be collapsing. (I remember years ago taking the whole damn office I had in the dogs' cart to Staples where I had bought everything, in order to pray that they would save me--and they did.) Everyday we suffer DA when some one or other of our electronic devices let us down. But of course it's not just from our electronics that we suffer, but sometimes there are live people who 'let us down'. They have the nerve not to do what we EXPECT of them!!

As parents it is part of our MO to suffer from DA. And that addiction can also be the root for all future adults who suffer from DA. If a kid doesn't live up to a parent's 'expectations' no matter how large or how small, he or she is going to be 'screwed' up--we all know that. But do we also realize that if we're screwed up as parents, how can we 'expect' our kids to be sane? I mean if we whine--we have to realize that our kids are going to become a 'kvetch'. That's just the way things work.

The struggle in parenting as well as in a relationship is to constantly examine if our expectations are reasonable. Were we wrong to 'expect' that this marriage would be free of physical abuse?? Hello??? Is it asking too much to expect our kids to maybe make a bed? I dunno, I mean they do have a lot more homework today.
Do you think it is reasonable to 'expect' an hour of real work from an employee a day, or must we consider that she is having a real boyfriend problem and let her spend most of the time in her office on the phone? And how about our friends? Is it really worth it to expect them to never disappoint us? But is the disappointment reasonable? Maybe it is, and maybe it is just too great to continue the friendship. Or maybe it's an example of one of those 'let it go' situations we recently discussed where it is better to 'let it go' and lose the battle but win the war. Or maybe it is of such magnitude that we should actually go to war over it---I mean all those countries were once our 'friends' weren't they?

I guess what I'm saying is that it might be a good idea to continually examine our expectations before we become a DA addict and make that kind of contribution to the 'dysfunctional' world we are already a part of. Just a thought.

Hope you enjoyed the session. Today's topic was in response to a suggestion...if any of you have some for me---please do not hesitate to send them to me.

Dr. Mimi Scott
518 674-8505
917 846-2449
visit me at: www.drmimiscott.com