Wouldn't it be wonderful if all committed relationships stayed that way...well let's talk some reality---
How and when do we end a relationship and how do we know we are right in doing so?? And more importantly how do we survive a break up?
Actually ending a relationship whether it was short term or long term takes a great deal of courage. However when the pain becomes so much greater than the pleasure (if there is any left at all) we usually realize that we're in a 'bad situation' and hopefully that we must exit which is not easy.
When there is moderate pain and significant pleasure in a relationship we first must give 'help' a chance and then pledge to really work on it. When the pain however becomes so great we must know to 'get out'. And I'm not talking only about physical abuse--mental and emotional abuse can be just as painful, perhaps worse. So how do we get ourselves out from under?
First have a plan. Know where you are going or if you are staying and feel that your partner will not easily leave, have someone around to help you take your stand and if possible outline for your partner what and where he or she can do and go. Call the partner's family in some cases to advise them of the situation---if the severity is such that you need to call family or
friends to help you accomplish the task, be sure and do so.
Try to reach comfortable decisions regarding finances, but if the reaction is ugly---give it up (unless we are talking 'big time' money in which case have legal counsel ready). The pride taken when we 'get out there' and do whatever we have to do to take care of ourselves, is and will be, amazing. Tune up your skills at what may be coming to you from this 'stimulus package' or anywhere else as well.
When the 'deed is done' and you can take a deep breath, clean up yourself and your space, unless you're the one moving into a new space, and enjoy some redecorating. The important thing is to get comfortable and to rid yourself of anything around that makes you feel bad.
Next make your second plan and that is to 'keep busy'. If time was spent with your ex in the morning, afternoon or the evening, make plans to have something to do during these hours...
watch some new TV programs; work at the computer; write; paint; sing, or make dates---not necessarily with the opposite sex. Begin to enjoy your girlfriends or guy friends...and enjoy your self---this may take some reading, listening to music, meditating and praying...just 'put it out there' no matter what way you do it.
Know this---now pay close attention---you will, I said will, slip. First realize that it would be inhuman to end a relationship and simply 'walk away'. You have to have some feelings about it and it is OK to cry--but not for long.
What isn't OK is when you begin to think that maybe you acted too quickly; maybe you left something good; maybe the guy or gal you had your eye on next wasn't exactly as exciting as you had hoped. At that point in time, when the tears and howls come, realize that you are in pain, because, after all, you just had surgery. You have just had a 'tumor' removed from your body that was destroying your health and well being. Pain is natural after surgery and it may take a while to heal, but think how wonderfully healthy you will be when you do indeed get back on your feet. After all, you now will be able to get back that good energy instead of that 'sick' kind of feeling that keeps your energy in the toilet.
AA members have sponsors to call when they feel they are about to 'slip'. Make sure you have a relative or a friend that can serve you in this way, provided they were 'with you' regarding the need for this 'break up'. Tell them at the time of the break up to 'be prepared' because you are most likely going to need their support when you will be feeling youself 'slip' into regret.
Always keep a picture in your mind of the worst moment in your relationship with that person. Think about that anytime those regret feelings begin to 'show up'---kick em out!
Now you can do some of those things you've talked about not having the 'time' to do. Remember however---no comprimises regarding that tumor--no lunches once a week, a movie, a walk etc. You don't want any part of the tumor left in your body---GET IT ALL OUT---and MOVE ON!
I hope this session helped and I wish you only the best! You deserve it!
Dr. Mimi Scott
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5 comments:
Congrats on your new blog Mims! I love it. You are so smart. Can't wait for your next entry!
Love you,
Ca
Mimi... my long time friend. Thank you for including me in this general blog. I always knew you as a talanted musician and actress, and when you entered the psycology field I was impressed and supportive. But in reading this blog, I elevate you to the top of the psycology game. Your comments are so insightful and practical. As you know, I've been down this road myself more than once. Wasn't it Herb Who you had just met that last time when I visited you at Burden Lake? I think that was his name. Sorry it didn't work out. But I am happy that this summer we can have lunch again. Let's keep in touch. I always enjoy your company.
Great blog, insights and info.
You are fabulous and inspirational.
Very proud of you and all that you do. Looking forward to more.
Love and miss you!
El
Hi Mimi,
I can relate to this advice and it is a painful place to be - I like the part about "rid yourself of the things surrounding you that make you feel badly."
This past Christmas I made my way to the storage unit to get my Christmas ornaments. As I sat in that cold space - I opened boxes I hadn't opened for several years. I haven't set a tree up for a few years - but the new apartment I moved into has a great space for a tree. How exciting - I was doing this alone - but I was excited.
I wasn't expecting the feelings that would rise up within as I opened the dusty boxes. I just cried and cried as i opened the boxes. The little ornaments and precious sparkly trinkets flooded my mind of my lost love. So many painful memories of such a promising love emanated from these objects. I closed the boxes and threw them in the back. I couldn't bring myself to throw these expensive ornaments in the garbage. I quickly left and came home. I didn't have a tree this year ... I had a wreath on the door - and a little trim around my place - but the space for the tree I wanted remained bare and would do so throughout this holiday season past. I felt so disappointed in myself.
This morning -I know that those precious and painful ornaments are waiting for me. They are waiting patiently. But like a phoenix that rises from the ashes ... I am going to get rid of them. It has been a long time since that love left and I want to purge myself of this. Thanks for your blog! i have finally found someone who is wonderful to me. I am looking forward to buying new ornaments with my new love this year and making new memories ...
Thanks Mimi Scott.
Mimi,
I find your first two blogs to be quite insightful and full of wonderful “tips and tools” to overcome the empty feeling of breaking up. To me there is a lot of “been there, done that” contained within your blog.
Each relationship comes with its own sets of needs, for both parties. Regardless of our age we tend to create an ideal relationship, a piece of which satisfies the needs of both parties. What is the need that keeps us in a destructive relationship? What is the need that keeps us in an unhealthy relationship?
The self exploration or professionally guided exploration of one’s self during and after an unhealthy relationship is part of the healing process. What need were we fulfilling by staying in an unhealthy relationship? There are always reasons for remaining in a relationship. Hopefully they are sound reasons of Love, Respect, Support, etc. etc. There are also reasons beyond “He/she will change” that keep us in a destructive relationship.
Unless we learn those reasons, we are doomed to repeat our behaviors of the past. The professional journals are filled with the studies of men/women who have a series of physically and emotionally destructive relationships.
We have to not only change the co-habituating rooms of our partners, we not only have to clear all reminders of our past; we must also clear our minds and souls of the reasons for the behavior that keeps us in destructive relationships.
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